I don’t think we realize sometimes the way we love. Loving is one thing, but loving like Christ is another. And today, in this season, I have been wrecked so hard by this realization that I am not even ashamed to say that I fell short on loving the right way. I was so busy heart chasing, that I forgot to demonstrate the purity of love in the best essence of my being. I am sad, because failing at love, is like failing at everything. Because love is everything. I cannot say I love someone, yet be unable to demonstrate that same love to another. I have been guilty of that. But this season, is a season of heart work. I will be spiritually operated, awaken. No anesthesia or anything. I want to feel the weight, the pain, and suffering of what transformation and healing feels like. And the more He presses His love down on me, the more I realize how short I have fallen. I am ashamed, but ashamed in a proud way. Because now I am aware, and aware equals becoming better. I am so far from perfect, and still so far from where He wants me to be. I am still a child, and I hope to keep the heart of child for as long as I may live. Because all I want, is to learn really.
So I have decided to document this entire season, with much care, and precision. I want to remember this one, and preserve it eternally. Every inch of pain, in the moulding, breaking, sharpening, and transformation, in the heart, soul, and spirit.
I have often done this prayer, even till today: ” Search me, O God, and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.“- Psalm 139:23-24
Graciously, He hears our prayers. This is only the results of long time prayers. Today, I am living it, His Word is coming to past. He has searched me, and found wicked in me. He has found, the wrong in my love, He has found the flaws in my love, He has found the faults in my love. But graciously, He hears our prayers. He will perfect it. And for the hundredth time, what I thought I knew is being wrecked down in pieces: Love is so much deeper, than what we think we’ve ever given.
As you relentlessly chase after His constant heart, He grabs hold of yours and draws you even closer to Him, closer than your own skin and bones, and begins to shred layers off your poor little heart with the determination to make it like His. There will be beauty in this, heart work…if you allow it.