I think the best part of worship, is that moment you feel completely undone before Him. That moment when you feel so close to Him, so close that you can feel every single electric charge of His love electrocute you! My favourite part about worship is that moment when I’m face-to-face with Him. And right then, I feel completely shredded, as though I’m about to explode and the only thing keeping me together is my skin. The Worship Room is my favourite room in Heaven, because we’ve made it our secret place. Where we can be just Him and I, and He can make me like Him. The only place I’m not afraid to be myself.
Something that you’ve probably heard me say too much now, but that will never cease to amaze me is the worship phenomena. It doesn’t matter how broken you start, or in which degree of pain you enter the Worship Room and approach His throne, because you never leave the same. And in my moment of pain, in the Worship Room, I heard something… I heard the angels sing. And it was different. It wasn’t like my worship nor like my praise. It didn’t have the same degree and intensity as my worship. Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL, probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. But it was different. It wasn’t like MY worship. My worship had something that the angels didn’t have. Mine had a depth to it, mine came from a broken heart, a wounded soul. Mine had a certain degree of pain that theirs didn’t have. Mine hadn’t seen the glory of God the same way they had. At first, when He brought that to my attention, my first reflect was to stray away, and step back from the Throne, in embarrassment to such realization. But just when He saw that, He saw that fear in my eyes and my feet step away from Him, He stopped me. He told me to come back, to come closer, and gently demanded that I may continue. At first I din’t understand but I just kept going. Then, the deeper I found myself in worship, the more I found myself consumed by His overwhelming love. He had His eyes gently closed and was majestically seated/laidback on His Throne, enrobed with glory. The deeper I found myself in worship, the more clouded the angels’ voice sounded ( blurry). Suddenly, my voice was heard the loudest among theirs. Their voices were simply echoes underneath my desperate worship. I looked around me and I was surrounded by angels, thousands and thousands of them. The more I laid eyes on them, the less I wanted to worship. Because I looked at them and they were so perfect, they sounded so perfect! Yet there I was so, not…In pain, broken, sad. I wanted to be just like them right then. I felt like my worship was flawed, full of faults, too heavy, compared to them… But here’s what I understood from my time there. Live in this awareness:
In your worst moment of discouragement, pain, and loss, don’t stop worshipping. Instead, give Him an offering. Hold up your biggest disappointment and intensely offer it to the Lord. Because the second you walk in that room and stand in front of the Throne, it’s all about you. Even the angels become echoes. Your voice is heard above the angels. He loves me so deeply that even though I can’t worship Him as perfect as the angels, He accepts it. Never will I ever compare myself to the angels. Why? Because I can’t. They live there, in a perfect realm, and I don’t. I live pain and through wounds I worship, they don’t. Every single day of my life, I wake up and decide to worship Him despite what I’m going through, despite the state of my heart…I’m giving Him an offering I won’t get to give Him in Heaven. It’s almost like incense. I wan’t the pain and the hurt and the loss to flavour smoke. The fire, the incense of the offering that I’m giving Him because it’s a sacrifice. That’s why I want to grab my moment now, since I won’t get it in eternity. A beautiful offering out of pain.
That is how I choose to cherish my moment here on earth. By living with this awareness. There in heaven, I won’t get to offer Him a worship that I will lay down before Him to feast, saying with tears in m eyes” I’m desperate for You, I’m lost without You, I can’t make it without You.” That’s what made me want to worship You even more during my time on earth. I see the way the angels worship you, and I see the way my heart yields before you. I see how imperfect my worship is compared to theirs, but yet you find it perfect. Father you have perfect angel worshipping you day and night, yet you still seek after the poor words I may have to offer you in moments of pain. Words that can’t even compare to your glory, to who You truly are.
“Who am I that you are so mindful of me.” I saw and heard the angel worship Him, but it didn’t move Him the same way my offering did.
To worship You is such a privilege. To love you is such a beautiful thing. But to be touched and struck by the lightning of your love is more than overwhelming. To know You is my joy I take delight in your faithfulness. I am moved by the feels and shivers I get in the midst of your presence. I don’t know what wrecks me more: the words that come at the thought of You, or the overwhelming feeling when You take over. My heart is so grateful, that you have found it among many, to worship You. My heart found among many, called to do something as precious as worshipping the King of kings. In the beginning I was afraid, but then, your love came along and wrecked down my fears. And now in this process, there’s nothing I’d rather learn than how to sing you new songs, You the One who loved me first. I poor it out Jesus. There’s nothing I rather do than poor my love: like oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart. I poor my love on you. I once heard that praise is like perfume, than if so, I’ll lavish mine on you till every drop is gone. I’ll poor my love on you. I poor it out in You Lamb of God.
January 27th, 2015