Untitled.

It’s funny, when I first started my walk with God, I would feel alone. I’ve always been an alone person. I’ve always been someone that was rather isolated. So from an early age, I learned to accept my own presence and to not depend on the company of others. I mean I loved it, but for some reasons I’d always end up on my own wether it was by choice or not. And because of internal wounds, I never trusted many people or had many friends. I knew ALOT of people and was surrounded by many, but I’ve always had few friends in my life. And those very few, I would pour my all into them which was probably my biggest mistake ( understanding things now). I wanted to have that ONE person to walk with so badly, but the thing that I wouldn’t understand is that, when you’re called to stand alone, men can never be the ones in whom you depend on. It will never work. You will always end up being deceived. Not necessarily because they’re bad people or because they directly do evil unto you, but simply  because you had set the wrong standards for those people. In my life, as far as the road that I’ve walked, the friends that I thought were meant to be my best friends for life were only seasonal people. And because I didn’t understand that, I’d end up attaching myself too much and too quick to those people. So then, when it was my time to be alone, when God would want me for Himself only, it would hurt me badly. It took me heck of some time to understand that. But now I do. I always thought that I desperately NEEDED physical beings in my life in order to make it. I rememberer, I’d always tell the Holy Spirit “Hey I know you’re there and all but like, I need a real friend too. A human being to share all this stuff with”  What an insult that was to the One Faithful Friend. I’m not made for just any type of friendships.

With time, I got to learn that I’m made for divine friendships. Anything outside of that will never work. Those who choose to walk with me, I find it very important for them to understand what the calling of my life is, just like I find it as important for me to know theirs. Because we need to understand each other. We need to be able to support each other’s seasons. The person I long to walk with must be someone that will understand the difference between a season where God allows me to be surrounded by people and when He decides to have me for Him alone, without feeling offence to it. Fighting to have my attention is like fighting with God and expecting to win.  With past friendships, I’ve felt as though they were telling me, hey I understand you have to pray and all, go deeper BUT come spend time with me MORE. Can’t you care for me at least a little bit?! Why is it always God,God, God.  Yet, in those moments, I’d stay silent. Because I know, that if it REALLY came down to THAT, God had already won my heart before anything else that comes in my life. No one should ever hurt themselves trying to win me over, because that’s impossible. No one can ever have my FULL attention as of now.

Why?

Because as I’m still learning to steward the fullness of Him in my life, His precious Presence, He needs ME, and the full Me. My whole heart, my full attention, my full care, hearing, eyes, everything. There’s no room for me to share all of that with anyone. I’m sure there’s a better way to do things, I’m sure there’s a better way for me to do this. But one can only operate from what he knows.  And right now that’s all I know. I don’t know anything about balance yet. I just know how to be with Him, and that’s it. And that’ll do for now…

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