July 15th, 2015
This one is written based on an encounter I had with the Lord, on a Wednesday at church. I made my way to church just like every Wednesday service we have during the week for prayer. I really wasn’t expecting this one. Worship begun, and for some reasons that day, the Lord didn’t want me to sing with the rest of the choir but to rather sit with the rest of the congregation. I closed my eyes, and began to sing Him a new song..Until suddenly, something started to happen. Something I simply can’t describe and verbally express.His overwhelming Presence came and consumed me, and in a matter of seconds, tears began to pour out like never before. That day, I found myself drowning in the Ocean of His love. I began to panic because I found myself in a reality I did not know. I thought I was going to run out of breath and die, yet the deeper I sunk in & the more I drowned, the more alive and awaken I felt. The deeper I drowned, the more of His love I could feel. He was speaking life into me, and LOVE, it was unbearable. I was falling apart, ready to explode, and shred into pieces. What He was downloading in me, and what I was experiencing was out of this world. In that very moment, I didn’t care who was watching or listening, I was too busy fully living this moment with Him. Few seconds would go by and I’d be drowning in the depth of the Ocean and then few seconds would go by again, and I’d find myself being rocked in His arms sobbing like a baby. I know I speak a lot about being whole, but there’s never an end to wholeness and being made-up and build-up. If that moment was one minute longer, I know I would’ve suffered from a heart attack. It was that serious… Anyways, I wrote this text a few days after the experience. There’s a lot that was left out and a lot of details that I didn’t get to write out. But regardless, what I remember most about this encounter was exploring the unending and harmless ocean of His love & that very moment He told me” I enjoy you. People may not love You but that’s because they don’t know you. But I do, and I love You” Those few words that He whispered to my heart over and over again brought me to pieces. I was such a wreck that day. There was a lot of weeping, a lot of ripping out, layers being undone, and more weeping. Mostly weeping. Definitely one worth documenting. This is, One Wednesday floor encounter- In the Ocean:
If this hasn’t been the three words that describe my life, than I don’t know what is: Young, loved and accepted
All my life I’ve been told to fight my way through the ocean and swim. I’ve been told that the ocean wasn’t made for people like me. It’s not for small people like me. I’ve always been either too small, or not good enough. I was told that the ocean is for those who are strong enough to support the waves and currents, meaning – I’m not the right fit for it.
But then, I came in Your world and I found myself in an unexplainable ocean. One that was different from every other I’ve come across. And what a lie it would be if I didn’t tell You that I tried to swim my way through those olds ones anyways. Yet, for some reasons, You made me understand that this ocean differs from the rest. This one doesn’t require might and strength to swim. You simply told me to let myself drown because death isn’t an option here. Which goes against every logic I’ve ever known my whole life. I finally understood that this ocean You’ve been telling me to let myself drown in is Your Ocean. This ocean is You. This ocean is Your Love, its You, Love. And everyday I drown in it, and surprisingly enough as though the currents are so powerful and overwhelming, I’m still not dead from it. I’m still holding up, better than ever before.
This ocean of You, has drowned all my fears all together. It fills me up with a supernatural strength that is unexplainable.
If only they knew what it does. If only they knew how refreshing Your waters were Love. If only they knew the shivers I get from being in your midst. If only they knew what it all does. If only they knew everything it wrecked down. If only they knew. If only they knew that they don’t have to watch me from far away. If only they knew that this ocean is nothing like the others.
I weeped weeped weeped because all I could do was weep. Because in that moment, as this small neglected self of mine laid there on the floor at the feet of my Jesus, I felt an indescribable love shield me. And I heard Him weep with me. I felt Him catch every drop of who I am, as He said” this is the one that I love.” I didn’t realize that I’ve been running away from the fullness of His love. But today, today something happened. I could no long run from it. So all I did was lay there, and allowed His perfect love enter and consume my imperfect being. And once again, all I did was weep weep weep and weep because all I could do was weep. I told him that I’ve been afraid to let the fullness of His love take over. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was so afraid. That it would be like everything else I’ve ever known. I was afraid of the things I heard it could do. But in that very moment, it was too late. I was already drowning in it. There was no way out. He had found me, and I found Him. I found the fullness of Him. I finally understood and felt what perfect Love really feels like. I laid there and I continued to weep as I fully surrendered because I knew damn well that I wasn’t gonna win this one. Then, I took my hair and started to wipe His dirty yet majestic feet. I saw my mascara smudge all over His perfect skin. I suddenly heard His voice speaking over me, He told me that I was chosen. I weeped and I weeped, as I couldn’t understand how a heart like His, a perfect God like Him, knew how to find my imperfect heart and being, among many. Oh how I weeped. I shouted and I weeped, and finished all the tears my being could possibly hold. My heart started to rip open.
The whole world around me became echoes. His voice was the only thing pressing in my heart. Tic-tac, tic-tac. The needles of a gigantic clock started to resonate in my ears. Tic-tac, tic-tac, tic-tic-tac. This time faster and louder. My heart crushed as the clear revelation of what I was seeing started to make more sense. He was showing me a clear visual picture of all the time that went by alongs the years. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades that He spent waiting for me. All the time that went by, all the wasted hope, and empty promises wasted, the amount of tic-tac He had to hear before the clock could finally stop ticking so that we can finally live…this moment.
What a patient God He was. He waited all this time, for a single moment with me. HE.WAITED.FOR.ME…
With such realization, my heart ached and I began to cry aloud telling Him” Daddy, I’ll wait for you, because I see how long you waited for me”. I saw how long He waited to make me feel His love, how long He waited to hear me tell him that I love Him, how long HE waited for me to accept Him, how long He waited for this very moment. In a matter of seconds, my knowledge and understanding on “waiting” was crushed. This whole time, I had no idea what waiting was and never again would I allow myself to complain for waiting on what seems like a lifetime. I told Him I’d wait for Him, and on Him. And this is what He answered me
“ Do you know how long I waited for this moment with You my love. I waited for an eternity to hear you say these very words to me, I waited forever so that you can finally love Me in return. I never gave up on you. I waited for you my love. I waited for this day, where you’d tell me that you’re ready to wait for Me in return. If only you knew how long I waited to have you. How long I waited to hold you the way I can hold you today, and have you wrap your arms around Me. I waited for an eternity. And now that I finally have you, I’m never letting you go love…”
Things I never heard before. I heard Him tell me that I was good enough. When He searched me, He found me just as I am, just as He created me. This is how He enjoys me. Just like I am. And this is how He accepted me. It was time to forget how the world had rejected and spit on me. It was time to forget the mockery and humiliation as well as shame I’d live. Because He knows me, and loves me just like this. He said that the world doesn’t accept us, because they don’t know us. They don’t know how He created us. Why would God enjoy us? Because he knows darn well the treasures He’s deposited in each one of us. But, they don’t and that’s why they’re so quick to judge criticize and bring us down. But it doesn’t matter. Because today, today my Master, my Lover, Friend, Lord and Father, picked me up from the floor where I had been weeping and weeping while caressing his soft skin with my hair, to remind me that although I am young, His overwhelming Love always wins, and that He has accepted me. This day, this very Wednesday, He squeezed me till there was nothing left.
I am young, loved and accepted.